


to shine as brightly as the sun

by paddingtonfan69



Category: The Wilds (TV 2020)
Genre: F/F, Musical References, cannot emphasize how many musical references, some light internalized homophobia but we move past that
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-22
Updated: 2020-12-22
Packaged: 2021-03-10 22:15:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,537
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28224477
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/paddingtonfan69/pseuds/paddingtonfan69
Summary: “That’s the power of theater,” she says dramatically, “it finds a way of getting its hooks in you.”That makes Martha laugh a little, which is nice to see, a little warmth settling in Shelby’s stomach at the ability to make someone smile, even now, even here. She tries not to think about how and why she knows the lyrics to that specific song, how her parents would have sent her away far sooner if they knew about the night she and Becca had secretly streamed all the musicals Shelby wasn’t allowed to see,RentandMamma Mia!andHairsprayandChicagowith all their homosexual sinners and children out of wedlock and racial politics and adulterous murder, but with songs that made Shelby stare in awe and climactic moments that made her cry and long to be able to get up on stage and no holds barred belt one of those leading lady songs, even if it was from a show that didn’t have “appropriate themes.”---Or, Shelby Goodkind learning to embrace her identity as a musical theater gay.
Relationships: Shelby Goodkind/Musical Theater, Shelby Goodkind/Toni Shalifoe
Comments: 73
Kudos: 476





	to shine as brightly as the sun

**Author's Note:**

> They can't just make this repressed lesbian canon into musical theater and not have me run with it! I got in a little too deep writing this and [made a playlist of all the songs referenced](https://www.youtube.com/watch_videos?video_ids=uo6o1bhWlD8,CUY_st9c-QA,zWAqW5D5kZo,jWF-oXv4qpw,QTKv9JSy25Y,uVQ_YhAZQSw,FOQPMjKLQQU,J30tQxAkvPY,dk3H2yvsH-U,Y8YMfgu92hQ,wG1NE9EWK8g&source=ctrlq.org), so feel free to listen. Title from "Astonishing" from Little Women, which still slaps to this day!

The first time Shelby falls in love, she’s ten. Carrie Underwood, who is her absolute _favorite_ at the time, is playing Maria in the TV version of _The Sound of Music_ and it feels like the Lord manifested this for specifically Shelby. 

It’s way too long for a televised musical, and in a few years, once she starts taking voice lessons, she will realize that Carrie was extremely miscast, but in that moment, head tucked into her Daddy’s shoulder, Carrie crooning out _the hills are aliiiive_ , Shelby feels nothing but content and warm and perfect. She’s in awe, at the way a song can tell a story, the way that everything seems so romantic and powerful and joyous through a woman’s voice, all of her emotions on the line. 

It feels like fate, a few months later, when she sees that a community theater in Fort Travis is doing a production of _The Sound of Music_ , and is asking for specifically kids her age to audition. She can sing, she knows that, Mrs. Green always praises her in chorus class and her mom has told her that she should declare singing as her talent when pageant season rolls around. 

“So what do you think?” she asks her parents that night, trying to be calm, but unable to sit still, bouncing on the couch while fiddling with a loose tooth, "can I audition? I think it would be amazing opportunity to add to my skillset."

She thinks her prepared wording is pretty dang impressive, but her parents share a look, one that Shelby knows means that their answer won't be a simple “yes.”

“I don’t know, hun,” her mom says slowly, “rehearsals are a big time commitment, they could get in the way of Little Miss Texas this fall.”

Shelby wants to tell her mom that the idea of being in a real live musical is more exciting than Little Miss Texas could ever be, but she knows better than to interrupt her parents. 

“Besides,” her daddy chimes in, “ _The Sound of Music_ is all well and good, but that theater has done some shows that I don’t think are appropriate for a girl your age. Just last year, they did _Jesus Christ: Superstar,_ which is just not faithful to the good book, not to mention the sinful implications of _Hair_ in 2010. They just aren't the type of people that you want to commit your time to."

“I think pageants are much more your wheelhouse,” her mom says, like it’s final. “Maybe you can do a song from _The Sound of Music_ for the talent portion, okay?”

Shelby just nods, knowing better than to fight. Her parents end up taking her to the show when it comes out, and Shelby can’t help the surge of jealousy that overcomes her when she sees a girl about her age up there, with the lights on her, getting to sing in a climactic emotional number, while Shelby just sits in the audience. She digs her nails into her palm, sticks her tongue in the gap where her baby tooth used to be, and prays that someday she’ll get to be on that stage. 

  
  


Shelby has never heard the word “shelter” so many times in her life. She's also never been more exhausted or out of her element in her entire life, so she doesn’t think she can be blamed that, each time someone says “shelter,” a specific song lyric buzzes around in her head, itching to get out. 

“ _Live in my house, I’ll be your shelter_ ,” she sings under her breath one afternoon, on the way to get water.

“Wait,” Martha says, a foot behind her, “is that _Rent?”_

Shelby laughs. “You know _Rent?”_

“Yeah, like everyone knows _Rent._ They did that live version a couple years ago. It wasn't the best, but Toni totally had a thing for Vanessa Hudgens, so we watched it.”

Shelby tries to ignore the implications of _Toni having a thing for Vanessa Hudgens_ , and focuses instead on making sure the path in front of them is clear, no obstacles for Martha to trip over. 

“Also, how do _you_ know _Rent_?” Martha asks, “It doesn’t seem quite like... your thing?”

Shelby turns around, grins widely, holding out her arms. 

“That’s the power of theater,” she says dramatically, “it finds a way of getting its hooks in you.” 

That makes Martha laugh a little, which is nice to see, a little warmth settling in Shelby’s stomach at the ability to make someone smile, even now, even here. She tries not to think about how and why she knows the lyrics to that specific song, how her parents would have sent her away far sooner if they knew about the night she and Becca had secretly streamed all the musicals Shelby wasn’t allowed to see, _Rent_ and _Mamma Mia!_ and _Hairspray_ and _Chicago_ with all their homosexual sinners and children out of wedlock and racial politics and adulterous murder, but with songs that made Shelby stare in awe and climactic moments that made her cry and long to be able to get up on stage and, no holds barred, belt one of those leading lady songs, even if it was from a show that didn’t have “appropriate themes.”

She doesn’t tell Martha that she created a separate Spotify account that wasn’t connected to her Facebook just to make playlists of musicals that she would listen to on long sunset runs in Fort Travis. That she made sure she was at least a mile away from her house before putting on “Take Me or Leave Me” and her heart rate sped up at the unique way two women’s voices could harmonize. That she looked up every musical that won or got nominated for the Tonys going backwards and then stopped when she got to 2015, because reading the summary of _Fun Home_ made her queasy and tingly all at the same time. 

Instead, she stays safe. 

“You a singer, Martha? I could see you having killer stage presence.”

Martha shrugs and blushes a little. It’s very endearing. 

“I used to dance a little.”

“Used to?”

Martha shrugs again, smile fading, and Shelby chooses not to press. Instead she nudges Martha’s arm with her own. 

“You and me combined are a triple threat, you know.”

Martha rolls her eyes at that, but her smile comes back, which Shelby counts as a success. 

  
  


“Never have I ever, uh, been to New York,” Leah says, with less than ideal enthusiasm. 

Predictably, Fatin, Rachel and Nora all put a finger down. 

“Really, Broadway?” Fatin says, raising her eyebrows at Shelby, “I would have taken you for grabbing a selfie in front of the _Wicked_ marquee in Times Square type basic.”

“Nah,” Toni interjects, “ _Wicked_ is way too sinful for Miss Jesus 2020 over here.”

“Toni…” Martha warns. 

“All I’m saying is that those witches are definitely not okay with the big guy upstairs. You’re probably-” Toni narrows her eyes, “-a _Legally Blonde_ or _Godspell_ type.”

“Can I speak for myself?” Shelby snaps, hand involuntarily digging into the sand at the mention of _Godspell._

Everyone else goes quiet. Shelby takes a deep breath, tries to calm herself, tries to stop the opening chords of “Day By Day” from playing in her head. 

“For your information,” she says levelly, “I have not been to New York, because there is perfectly good theater in Texas, right Dot?”

“Oh yeah, you should have seen our middle school production of _Cats,”_ Dot deadpans. 

Everyone laughs then, and Shelby sends up a silent prayer. She tries not to think about the summer when she was 13 and had begged for a trip to New York, right after seeing a local production of _Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat_ , and her daddy had told her that they don’t need to associate with people like that up in New York. 

Her eyes meet Toni’s across the fire. She knows that she is definitely now associating with _people like that_ who have _things for Vanessa Hudgens._ Toni stops laughing when she meets Shelby’s gaze and it turns into a glare. 

“Never have I ever sucked dick,” Toni says aggressively. 

Shelby pointedly ignores what that implies, choosing to instead to roll her eyes dramatically. 

“Do you have to have such a dirty mouth?”

“Well, it clearly isn’t _that_ dirty,” Nora points out matter-of-factly. 

Toni reaches out for a high five and the rest of the group starts to laugh. Shelby chooses to let it go, proudly does not put down a finger, and ignores Toni’s smug little grin for the rest of the game. 

  
  


One of Shelby’s favorites on her Secret Musical Theater Exercise Playlist is “Astonishing” from _Little Women_. Her breath always catches whenever Sutton Foster’s voice crests over the final verse, feet pounding on the pavement. Sutton would sing, _here I go and there’s no turning back, my great adventure has begun,_ and Shelby would feel like she could run all the way to Dallas with nothing to power her put sheer vocals and passion. 

Now, when she runs away from Toni, runs from the warmth of her hand on Shelby’s waist, the softness and surprise of her mouth under Shelby’s, the song pounds relentless in her brain. _E_ _ven now I feel its heat upon my skin,_ Sutton sings in her head as Shelby’s feet tackle the underbrush, ignoring Toni’s shouts in the background, _a life of passion that pulls me from within._

It’s the wrong song. She should have something depressing stuck in her head, _Les Mis_ or the like, not Sutton fucking Foster’s glorious eleven o’clock number. She doesn’t feel _astonishing_ right now, she will not _blaze until she finds her time and place_ , she is absolutely not _fearless;_ she has never been so scared in her whole life and she was in a plane crash two weeks ago. 

When she’s sure she’s far enough away, she collapses against the side of a tree, lets out huge shaking breaths until she’s sobbing, choking on her tears and spit until she has to pull out her retainer just to breathe. 

_I will not disappear without a trace_ , Sutton sings in her head, but Shelby wants nothing more than to disappear without a trace. Wants to sink into the earth and not face what is waiting for her back at camp, not face Toni, so surprisingly gentle and caring in her touch, knowing something about her that no one else does. That no one else can. Shelby leans her head back against the tree and lets herself think about it one more time before she goes back, before she shuts it down like she always has. She tries to ignore the muscle memory of kissing Toni, the way the word _astonishing_ still flits through her brain at the thought of it. 

  
  


The tide come up to just to Shelby's toes before it goes back out. She shifts a little bit back when the tide slightly rises. She’s fascinated in this game of letting it get this close to her before she moves back again, so much so that she doesn’t notice anyone come up behind her until Toni gracelessly plops next to her on the beach. 

“Still nothing,” she says. 

“Good update,” Shelby says sarcastically, “I definitely would have thought rescue was imminent, despite the absolutely _nothing_ for three days, but gee thanks for coming to tell me.”

She expects, almost wants, Toni to snap back, but she just laughs, sticking out her feet into the water. She stretches languidly, pulling her arms up over her head. Shelby watches the way her bicep moves as she rolls her shoulder, notices the small dimple peeking out from the fabric of her tank top. 

Toni clears her throat and grins, and Shelby quickly averts her eyes. She tangles her hand in what can barely be considered hair at this point, and feels the silence. Toni takes in a deep breath beside her and Shelby braces herself for whatever big question Toni is about to ask. 

“What’s your favorite musical?”

It’s not what Shelby was expecting, so much so that she lets out a loud bark of a laugh. 

“What!” Toni says, holding both hands up, “you’re always fucking talking about singing dumb songs in your dumb pageants and I want to know which is just _oh my gosh just the best one.”_

Shelby grins down at her feet, shaking her head, feeling too damn fond for her own good. 

“You can’t tell anyone,” Toni continues, “but when I was a kid, I fucking loved _High School Musical.”_

“Right, your thing for Vanessa Hudgens.”

Toni laughs. “How the hell did you know that?”

“I have my ways.”

“Well, I bet you don't know that I used to pretend I was basically Zac Efron in that movie when I started playing basketball as a kid.”

Shelby laughs. “Shoot some hoops, get with the pretty girl?”

Toni smiles, eyes locking on Shelby’s. “Yeah, something like that.”

Shelby swallows, suddenly very aware of her breathing, very aware that if she moved her leg two inches, it would brush against Toni’s. 

She moves her leg in the other direction, letting the tide wash over her feet. She doesn’t say anything and neither does Toni. The silence isn’t oppressive this time, it’s kind of nice actually. Just the crashing of the waves, and the faint sound of Rachel and Fatin arguing over their game of Uno. 

“ _Wicked_ ,” Shelby finally says. 

“What?”

“Sinning witches and all, it’s my absolute favorite.”

Toni grins. “Edgy. Even though it's also, like, the most basic shit ever. You’re every girl in eighth grade drama class, trying to sing ‘Defying Gravity’ or whatever.”

“Just because something is popular doesn’t make it any less good, you know.”

“Spoken like someone who was popular in school.”

Shelby can’t help but laugh at that. “Watch out, we are two bars away from bursting into one of _Wicked_ ’s greatest songs.”

“Don’t you dare.”

Shelby nudges her shoulder into Toni’s. 

“ _Pop-u-lar,”_ she sings, doing her best Chenoweth, “ _you’re gonna be popu-uuu-lar.”_

“Oh my God, shut up.” Toni pushes her shoulder back into Shelby’s, but there’s no real aggression behind it. 

“You know, in a different, not stranded on a desert island world, we definitely could have a Galinda and Elphaba dynamic going on.”

“I don’t know what that means and I really don’t want to.”

“Don’t act so high and mighty, _Troy Bolton_.” 

Toni actually shoves her then, and they both fall a little bit into the water and Shelby laughs and laughs and forgets for just a second. 

  
  


The sun has gone down. Shelby doesn’t exactly know when that happened. Sometime between her pushing Toni against the trunk of a tree, her letting out an embarrassingly loud sound when Toni had kissed a trail down the side of her neck, and Toni hovering over her, asking “is this okay?” and Shelby saying “yes, God, yes,” the sun had set. 

Shelby rests her head on Toni’s chest, and Toni’s arm falls loosely around her shoulders and it’s all so easy and natural that Shelby can’t think about it too much or she’ll cry. She tells herself that when the sun comes up, she’ll do something like processing, but now she just lets herself feel Toni’s heartbeat. 

She doesn’t even notice she’s humming until Toni quietly asks, “what song is it that?”

Shelby blushes a little when she realizes what song it is. 

“It’s embarrassing.”

“I’m pretty sure we’re past embarrassing now, ‘cause like, twenty minutes ago, I had you saying things that-”

“Okay I get it!” Shelby says, now blushing _a lot_ , covering Toni’s mouth with her hand. 

Toni’s tongue comes out and licks at her hand, and it should be gross, but it actually feels kind of nice. 

“Oh, you’re into that?” Toni says, grinning before slowly sucking one of Shelby’s fingers into her mouth and, _fuck,_ she is into that, apparently. 

She shifts so she can lean up and kiss Toni, all open mouthed and messy, like she’s never kissed anyone before, like there is no other purpose but for her to stay here, right now, to make sure she is intimately familiar with every corner of Toni’s mouth. And vice versa. 

She pulls away from Toni for a second, who lets out a whine, which is quite frankly, adorable. 

Shelby holds up a finger. “One sec.”

Before she can overthink it, she reaches into her mouth and pulls out her retainer, and gently places it on their pile of clothes. 

“Oh shit,” Toni murmurs, eyes wide, and Shelby kisses her again.

Toni’s tongue finds the roof of her mouth, a place that’s always covered, that never sees the light of day, but now Toni’s tongue touches it so tenderly that Shelby gasps with the sensation. 

“Oh, Jesus Christ.”

Toni grins against her mouth. Shelby pulls back to just to roll her eyes. 

“Sorry,” Toni says, not sounding sorry at all, “I just feel like getting _you_ to say Jesus Christ just from kissing is kind of a gold star achievement.”

“You’ve never struck me as an overachiever.”

“Oh yeah?” 

Toni flips them then, and Shelby laughs until Toni's hand slides down her body and then she’s definitely not laughing anymore. 

“You’re singing it again,” Toni says, a solid (incredible, otherworldly, life-changing) 30 minutes later. 

“Am I?”

“Come on, what song?”

Shelby smiles into Toni’s shoulder before softly singing, “ _kiss me too fiercely, hold me too tight. I need help believing you’re with me tonight.”_

“That’s pretty, what is it?”

Shelby leans up, gives Toni a huge grin, gaps and all, and moves her face closer so her mouth is a hair's width away from Toni’s.

“ _Wicked,”_ she whispers. 

Toni laughs, loudly and freely. “You’re fucking kidding me.”

Shelby shakes her head and is surprised when Toni leans up to kiss her again amid the laughter. 

Later, when they’re both too exhausted to move, the song settles in Shelby’s brain again. 

“We’re bad people,” Toni says as her eyes drift shut, and something in Shelby stiffens for a second until Toni follows up with, “we could be giving food to our starving friends but I literally cannot move right now.”

Shelby relaxes a little, as Toni lets out a soft huff of laughter and rests her head on Shelby’s chest. She’s so soft like this, open and vulnerable and sweet, and it makes Shelby’s breath catch in her throat. 

“Sing me something,” Toni murmurs, so close to sleep that Shelby wonders if she’ll remember asking that in the morning. The thought of morning makes Shelby tense up, though, so she just lets out a breath. 

“ _My wildest dreamings could not foresee_ ,” she sings softly in Toni's ear, “ _lying beside you with you wanting me._ ”

  
  


“Please, I know sexual tension when I see it,” Fatin says, and Shelby can’t breathe for a second, “but don’t worry.” Fatin mimes sealing her lips shut. Then she grins. “Besides, I’ve never met a straight person who is _that_ into musical theater.”

Shelby lets a massive exhale of breath in what turns into a laugh. Fatin’s smile is somehow contagious and Shelby finds herself honest-to-God giggling, the warmth of Fatin’s casual attitude making her light headed. She feels loose limbed, almost like she’s drunk but without the unbearably depressing parts. 

“Oh, shut up,” she tells Fatin when she finally catches her breath. 

“What, it’s true! I used to play in the orchestra for the musicals at Berkeley Rep, and the gay dramatics were unmatched.”

“That sounds amazing,” Shelby says wistfully, glancing up at Toni on the hill, before choosing to focus on this conversation for now, the easy one, “being right there during the shows.”

Fatin shrugs. “It was fine, not really my thing, but...” She trails off, tilting her head a little at Shelby. “You know, if we ever get off this hellhole, I can introduce you to some people there, see if they need a new ingenue with a killer voice who’s only a little crazy.”

“Did you just compliment me?” Shelby grins. “You’re a big ol’ softie, aren’t you?”

Fatin leans closer. “You keep my secret, I keep yours.”

Shelby laughs again, inadvertently looking back at Toni.

“Jesus fucking Christ, just talk to her,” Fatin says, “someone deserves to get laid here.”

  
  


Shelby clears her throat, blinks up at the same walls she's been staring at for God knows how many days now. She knows where the cameras by this point, so she gives them a wink, takes a sip of water and begins.

“ _Could be, who knows._ ” She’s off a little, she knows. She readjusts her breathing. “ _There's something due any day, I will know right away, soon as it shows_ _-”_

“What’s with all the singing?” Agent Young asks the next time they bring her in to be interrogated.

“Do you not like it? I think _West Side Story_ is pretty universal, but I'm sorry if it's not your cup of tea. And before you say anything, I know I can sometimes be a little sharp, but in my defense I haven’t heard actual music in a while now. Maybe if you gave us our phones or something...”

She grins, sticking her tongue through one of the gaps in her teeth. 

The two men look at each other. Shelby knows they think she’s crazy. That was expected. What wasn’t expected is how much she likes that perception, how much she revels in it breaking expectations set on her. She gives them a cheery wave as they bring her back to her little prison bed. 

“This one is from _Jesus Christ: Superstar,”_ she tells the camera with her best pageant smile, “I used to think that this play was sacrilegious, that using rock music to sympathize with Judas was an act against God. But the more that I think about it, the more I think that the Lord of all people knows there are two sides to every story.”

She puts her hands on her diaphragm, feels it expand. 

“ _Try not to get worried, try not to turn on to problems that upset you."_

She thinks of Leah’s grip around her, the way she had nodded ever so slightly when Shelby slipped the note into her sweatshirt. She figures she can get in a few more bars before she continues with her part of the plan. 

_“_ _Don't you know everything's alright, yes, everything's fine."_

  
  


The last hurrah of their media tour is _Good Morning America_. Shelby is used to being awake early, but the exhaustion is starting to get to her. It’s the shoot schedule of morning shows, the traveling around and smiling and talking to nice middle aged people and cameras about their trauma, it’s the knowledge that her parents are watching her now shaggy hair and lack of incisors and the way she grips Toni’s hand on broadcast television. 

It’s not that she has regrets or anything. It’s just a lot. 

After the _GMA_ shoot, she collapses on the hotel bed, not even bothering to change. The network booked them all separate hotel rooms, but they ended up trickling into Rachel’s room last night, sharing a bottle of whiskey that Dot had stolen from the hotel bar and had fallen asleep across the two queen beds and the little couch, sprawled across each other, Shelby’s head safely tucked into the crook of Toni’s neck.

Shelby doesn’t even realize she’d passed out again until there's a loud sound of the hotel door opening and the comforting chatter of familiar voices.

“Dude, those were crazy expensive.”

“We are rich and famous now, you need to get that in your head.”

“Plus we have to sit together, I am not going to be elsewhere while Shelby loses her mind.”

“Guys, she’s trying to sleep.”

The last voice is Toni’s and Shelby cracks an eye open to see Toni standing in front of the bed, with her arms crossed at the other girls. The sight is enough to make Shelby shake the rest of sleep off of her and scooch over the on the bed to plant a wet kiss on Toni’s cheek. 

“Gross,” Dot says.

Toni flips her off. 

“So what are y’all talking about?” Shelby asks. “What’s going to make me lose my mind? Because I hate to break it to you, but I think I lost it a while back.”

“It was Toni’s idea,” Rachel says, smiling that tiny exasperated yet affectionate smile that is starting to come out a little more frequently. 

“But Fatin’s execution,” Toni clarifies. 

“I literally don’t know what any one of you would do without me,” Fatin says drily but she’s grinning as she pulls an envelope out of her pocket and hands it over to Shelby. “For all your basic marquee selfie purposes.”

Shelby crushes her in a hug before she even opens the envelope.

They don’t end up getting a basic marquee selfie, instead getting some guy on the street to take a picture of all of them together outside the theater. 

“Wait,” the guy says, after taking a bunch shots with Fatin’s phone, looking at them with dawning realization, “aren’t you-”

“Late for the show?” Leah says quickly, grabbing the phone back, “yep, we are.”

Shelby settles between Toni and Dot in their long row, both of them casting glares if anyone stares too long at their group. It’s pretty adorable, but Shelby wouldn’t tell either of them that out loud. 

When the lights flash and the overture starts, she’s not even embarrassed at the gasp she lets out or the way she squeezes Toni’s hand when the lights fade down. It’s fucking Broadway. 

“You dork,” Dot whispers. Shelby just smiles at her, already tearing up as the curtain ascends. 

After, when she’s asked what her favorite part of the show was, she won’t be quite sure. Of course all the performances were excellent, the vibrato on the Elphaba making even Rachel stare with rapt eyes, the climactic end of act one hitting Shelby right in the gut even if she’s watched a hundred grainy YouTube videos of the exact moment she flies off the ground. 

But the show itself isn’t her favorite part. Her favorite part is maybe Toni whispering in her ear, “this is so fucking gay” during “What is this feeling?” or Leah telling them all during intermission how the book captured the essence of the plot way more than the stage show unil Dot surprises them all by saying “shut up, the songs are fun.” Or maybe it’s Fatin’s casual observations about the orchestration or Rachel wondering about the technicalities of the lift or Toni saying “no wait _that’s_ fucking gay” during “For Good.”

If she had to choose though, it would be the way she catches Toni crying during “As Long as You’re Mine” and how Toni doesn’t try to play it off, just wipes her eyes and smiles, leaning her head onto Shelby’s shoulder. They stay like that for the rest of the show, Shelby lifting her arm up so she can hold Toni close to her, even when the lights come up, even when thousands of people get up from their seats and try to covertly look at those girls who have been on TV for the last week straight. She keeps holding Toni all the way out of the theater into the New York night, taking it all in for the first time. 

Shelby watched a man help another man put on his jacket before kissing his cheek, two girls a few years younger than them hold hands and scream about their favorite parts, and she tightens her grip on Toni’s shoulders, kisses the top of her head. 

“You know,” Shelby says slowly, once they’re all outside, “this girl from church camp who vacationed in New York always used to talk about the three story Olive Garden in Times Square.”

“Jesus fuck,” Fatin groans, “you’re not really going to make me follow up _Wicked_ with a trip to the Olive Garden like some 13-year-old white girl’s wet dream.”

“I’m not making you do anything, I’m simply offering a suggestion.”

“We could vote on it,” Dot says with a half-smile, “old habits, you know.”

Fatin rolls her eyes. “Fine.” She turns her focus to Toni, then pointing a finger. “You better vote with your mind, not with your cunt.”

“Well, that was unnecessarily vulgar,” Shelby says. 

“I mean, she does have a point,” Toni says with a grin, slipping one of her hands into the back pocket of Shelby’s pants, which makes Shelby warmed, by the touch itself, by this new euphoria of not caring who sees it. 

She’s vaguely aware of the others arguing about Olive Garden in the background until Rachel, who had been silent up until now declares, “I could really fuck with some pasta right now.”

So they go to Olive Garden. 

“This place is actually disgusting,” Toni says as they battle their way through crowds of tourists in Times Square.

“I know, isn’t it amazing?” Shelby says.

Toni rolls her eyes but her hand is warm in Shelby’s and they hang back a little from the group. Lyrics from the show still ring in her head and there are lights everywhere and people everywhere and for some reason she’s more relaxed than she’s been in a long long time. 

  
  


Shelby tries to steady her breathing as she lets the cool early evening air hit her. She settles on the steps, drops her head between her knees and takes some deep breaths. This is fine. 

“First opening night?”

Shelby looks up to see Marina, the woman playing Older Alison, leaning against the theater wall, scrolling on her phone. Marina’s always been a little intimidating; she has an ineffable air of cool about her, with her leather jacket and septum piercing, and the fact that she’s been on freaking _Broadway_.

Shelby tries to smile. “How could you tell?”

“I still get opening night jitters, even after two decades of this shit, so don’t worry, kid.”

Shelby lets out a breath. “It’s not just that. Well it’s that. It’s just - this is so stupid. I mean been through some bad stuff - you’ve probably read about most of it - so this should not be a concern. But there’s something about going out there, in front of everyone I’ve known and just- ”

“Singing about lesbian sex?” Marina provides.

Shelby laughs. “Yes. God, it’s embarrassing. This shouldn’t let this terrify me, right? I’ve been on national TV talking about this. It’s already happened, my parents did the whole cutting me off thing and it sucks and I’ve dealt with it. But there’s something about going up on stage that just...”

“Everything’s more real on stage.”

Shelby smiles. “Yeah it really is.” She runs a hand through her hair, short and now dyed brown for the show. 

Marina walks over to Shelby, sits next to her on the steps. “Look, it’s powerful stuff being up there. Hell, I probably couldn’t have done this show when I was your age. Even when you know you’re okay, you’re comfortable with yourself, it’s still scary. Nothing in this world is as vulnerable as getting up in front of hundreds of people and putting your emotions out there by fucking _singing_. Especially if any of it applies to your real life.”

Shelby nods, takes a deep breath out. 

“But,” Marina says, “you can do this show backwards and forwards by now. And if you find yourself thinking about what people will say, fuck ‘em. Just think about how that cute little girlfriend of yours will react when you go into ‘Changing My Major.’”

“Don’t let her hear you calling her cute,” Shelby warns, but she’s grinning.

She thinks back to when she had gotten the callback, listening to the _Fun Home_ soundtrack with Toni as they drove around the Bay Area, the relentless sporty hyping up Toni had given her before going in, combined with the whispered assurances that whatever happens, Shelby has _got this._

And she does. Have this. Even if she knows people are saying she only got cast because she was a news story over a year ago. Even if she knows that her parents will never look her in the eye the same way. Even if it’s rare that there isn’t a night where her or Toni don’t have a nightmare about those months, she knows she has this. 

When it’s time for her first big solo, she feels the audience holding their breath. The song starts with Shelby's character waking up next to a girl for the first time, the euphoria her character feels in this moment translating to the first time Shelby gets to be on a stage like this, in front of a rapt audience filled with people who she knows love her. 

She thinks about the first time she woke up next to Toni; she always does in this scene, the expected bit of fear combined with a new feeling - that every possibility she’d closed herself off to could become a reality. She holds onto that feeling as she centers herself on stage, takes a deep breath, and sings. 


End file.
